Couples therapist Quentin Hafner wants your marriage to last a lifetime. Can you find 5 minutes to read his advice?
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Can You Find 5 Minutes?
By the time couples find themselves in a state of distress, long forgotten are the days when they used to talk to one another in a way that promotes connection and safety in their relationship. Somehow, life has a sneaky way of intervening into our cherished relationships to the point for many couples where they can go several months without having even a meaningful five-minute conversation.
I love to get couples talking again, because our words are the essential tools to enhance the relationship. So, I like to ask couples, “Can you find five minutes each day to talk to one another?” It’s so simple, but so crucial for the success of any relationship. We have to talk to one another! And here’s the caveat: We want to talk about things that are meaningful and emotionally relevant—not just grocery lists, and errands that need to be run on the weekend.
If it’s so simple, Why Don’t We Do It?
Many couples have simply stopped enjoying talking to one another, and so naturally, as humans do, we stop pursuing things that are no longer gratifying. And this is when the relationship gets into trouble. For each couple, and each person inside the relationship, the reasoning is different as to why it’s not enjoyable, but here are a few reasons that I hear often in my practice:
- When we talk, all you do is complain about me
- When we talk, you don’t pay attention to me
- When we talk, you seem distracted
- When we talk, you get so upset it’s not worth it
- When we talk, you act condescending and patronizing
- When we talk, you don’t seem interested in me
What If We Fight During The 5 Minutes?
Many couples realize that during this quick 5 minutes, an argument usually ensues. I say, “great—have a good fight for 5 minutes!” Fighting with one another is a sign that you’re invested and that you care enough to protest for your wants and needs. What I find much more concerning is when couples give up talking all together to avoid fighting. Sometimes, fighting is very healthy and necessary part of bonding. I wrote a blog a few months ago about how some couples die a slow death in their relationship due to avoiding conflict. When we value making time to talk (and even argue), we can avoid this pitfall that many couples experience.
So, How Do We Do This?
First, I encourage couples to find some special time to sit down and talk. Even calendar it so nothing else gets in the way. Put away all technology so you’re not distracted. Find a peaceful place, and make sure you’re not hungry so you can listen intently to your partner without thinking about your next meal. Here are some questions to ask to make the most of five minutes:
- How are you doing today?
- What was the best part of your day? Why?
- What was the worst part of your day? Why?
- How are you feeling today? Do you like that feeling?
- What have you been thinking about today? Do you enjoy thinking about that?
- Where has your mind been most of the day?
- Have your been present today? Or distracted? Why?
- What are you looking forward to?
- What are you worried about?
- Is there anything I can do to help you?
- Have I done anything to hurt you?
- Etc., etc., etc.
This is just a short list of questions to help facilitate a simple five-minute conversation between you and your spouse. I know these questions might sound a little silly, or even elementary, but if you’ve gone some time from feeling connected with your partner, these are great lead-ins to restoring intimacy in your relationship. So remember, five minutes a day to connect can work wonders for you and your partner, and it’s often a simple, overlooked essential ingredient in great relationships!
Originally published on QuentinHafner.com
Photo—AfroDad/Flickr
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